Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Missing Mom

I didn't write much last month on the anniversary of my mom's passing. Quite honestly, just because I didn't have it in me at the time. Now though I feel a need to get it out. It's odd how the grieving process continues to go on, even three years later after the initial loss, and how I find myself going through the different stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) over and over again.

The past couple weeks I've been sad. I've been really, truly missing my mom. I think a big reason for this is that life has been stressful. Money is tight, the children are cranky and I'm just trying to make it through the day. My mom was such a good fixer. She was always there with advice and solutions. I know if I would have been able to talk to her she would have known exactly what to do and probably would have been able to help me do it. One day last week, out of the blue, a realization came to me that I am now used to dealing with the trials of life without my mom. Three years later I find myself being the fixer. I find myself not only having to endure these rough times but also having to find a way to revamp things so that they do not bury us. I cannot help but find such a circumstance sad. Life has found a way to move on, even though I did not want it to.

I have been reading her journals again. I am so amazed by the woman she was. I always knew my mom to be a strong, generous and insightful woman, even amid much physical ailment, but to have a glimpse of her life when she was healthy and well... I cannot help but be impressed. At this time in my life, as a mother of a young family, I find myself in many of the same situations of which she has written. She carried the storm well; I hope and pray to follow in her footsteps with as much spirit and fervor.


Lisa said...

What a true blessing to have those journals of her life. What I would give to have something like that. What a blessing to know we are carrying on the legacy of our mother's with the mothers we are becoming. Our mother's showed us by example how to take care of the ones we love. I think you are doing an amazing job.

Rie Pie said...

I'm crying while I'm reading this because I've been realizing how fast time is moving, and it's taking me with it. I hate how my life always seems empty because she is not here. I'll never have the parent/daughter relationship that I grew up with. It's heartbreaking.
What are you doing Saturday? I'm thinking me and you should go play.
I love you, very much!!

Rie Pie said...

ps. Shea kind of told me off for "trying to fix everything" when we were shopping for her wedding hair decor. lol.

BreAn said...

This hits home. My Dad died when I was 13, but he wasn't great at keeping a journal. How neat it would be to read into your parents lives when they were younger. I'm sorry you lost your Mom, but I'm glad you have your Mom's journals. :)