I didn't write much last month on the anniversary of my mom's passing. Quite honestly, just because I didn't have it in me at the time. Now though I feel a need to get it out. It's odd how the grieving process continues to go on, even three years later after the initial loss, and how I find myself going through the different stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) over and over again.
The past couple weeks I've been sad. I've been really, truly missing my mom. I think a big reason for this is that life has been stressful. Money is tight, the children are cranky and I'm just trying to make it through the day. My mom was such a good fixer. She was always there with advice and solutions. I know if I would have been able to talk to her she would have known exactly what to do and probably would have been able to help me do it. One day last week, out of the blue, a realization came to me that I am now used to dealing with the trials of life without my mom. Three years later I find myself being the fixer. I find myself not only having to endure these rough times but also having to find a way to revamp things so that they do not bury us. I cannot help but find such a circumstance sad. Life has found a way to move on, even though I did not want it to.
I have been reading her journals again. I am so amazed by the woman she was. I always knew my mom to be a strong, generous and insightful woman, even amid much physical ailment, but to have a glimpse of her life when she was healthy and well... I cannot help but be impressed. At this time in my life, as a mother of a young family, I find myself in many of the same situations of which she has written. She carried the storm well; I hope and pray to follow in her footsteps with as much spirit and fervor.