Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Two Years Gone By

Today marks two years that have gone by since my mother passed away.

Last year on the anniversary of her death I wanted to celebrate her life and focus on the wonderful memories I have of her instead of being sad. I threw a big huge Sunday dinner, Valerie Nichols style, and invited many of her friends to come and commemorate.

This year I let myself be sad. Two years is too long to go without having my mom beside me. Last night and today I let the grief overcome me. I cried hard, in fact I outright sobbed. I felt the hurt. At times, I even allowed myself to feel anger. And then after letting myself be consumed by the despair of it all, I was left feeling empty and broken. These are not feelings I usually embrace. I try to be a happy person most of the time. I like being a happy person, but today I needed to let myself hurt for the mother that I lost, the Nana that my children will never know, the laughter, the kindness, the advice and guidance, the comfort that for the rest of my life on this earth, I will always be missing.

8 comments:

Barb said...

Lera, you've earned one good cry. In fact everyone who's know your mom has earned the right to moourn her loss. I too miss your mom, and this morning I also remembered how much I wish I could give her one more hug and sit down and have one of our long talks, (just one more time). She always knew just the right thing to say to me. Then, I remembered the good times we shared, and the first time I met your mom, (30 yrs ago in Jan). That's a long time, and she was a good friend, sister, and everything rolled into one person.

Adrienne said...

I agree, considering missing your mom at way too young an age, having a young child and one on the way, I would cry too. My prayers will be with you tonight on this anniversary. Sometimes we just have to let ourselves be sad. She was a force of nature and I'll never forget her.

Emily said...

I am sure today was super hard. I can't even imagine not having my mom. I would cry too. I also agree that you deserved to cry. My heart aches for you.

Tiffany said...

Just know that your mom was able to spend time with Palmer and this new little baby in heaven before they came to you. I truely believe that. She was able to be a part of their lives, if only for a short time. I'm sorry your mom is not there to be a part of so many "firsts" with you. I can't imagine what you're going through, but just know that I'm thinking of you.

Lisa said...

Dear Lera,
I am crying now as I write this. I am crying for you as I KNOW of the pain you speak of. I cried for my mom yesterday also. I am sick and I just wanted my mom. It is a yearning that will never go away. You are going through a tough spot in this life and you need that mom to be there to help you. I am so sorry she is gone. I am so sorry that she is not here to hold those babies you bring into the world. I am so sorry that it hurts so deeply. I am very proud of you for giving into the grief and letting it wash over you. It is so healthy to do so. I am so thankful we are friends. I am so thankful there is someone out there that really KNOWS the pain in my heart as well. I love you Lera and you are doing a great job of being the mom and women that you need to be. Your mom is very proud of you and she is watching over you.

Rie Pie said...

I love you so much. I'm so grateful for you in my life and for having someone to lean on. Mom was always so proud of you. I know she still is. You are such an amazing women. I'll love you and her forever. XO.

*Marie* said...

Thinking about you, Sweetie *hug*

Jenn said...

My prayers are with you and I hope that you are doing okay. I know that at times, crying is the best medicine and necessary to go on.